My STRANGE status

Weird the phase it may sound but I accept with all my wisdom that I have never been so much unsure about my path as I am today. I used to laugh at my misery and so was put to test. I am indulging into things which are making me feel that I am the only one doing so and hence pushing me more away from my world towards the quoted ‘My world’ . I used to feel great about the mask of happy go lucky bond, but now I want to peel it off my face. I wan to cry, complain and be sad and not to be asked about it. I know sorrow will be out of business soon as I am soon going to learn How to feel great with it.

Desires are screwing my life. Why the fuck can’t I be satisfied with all the good things around. I have family, friends and well wishers. You know I have everything but nothing. I am so scared of companionship after the loss of relationships that mattered to me that I am bringing myself to believe being lonely is being happy. The only scoop here is I have been quiet social all my life and I love the world around me. Now to become a monk is bit difficult task considering that I don’t like cool places, I don’t drink and do drugs. Further I feel responsible towards the people around me and their expectation from me. So practicing the most selfish art would have been great thing to do if I had born in Jupiter or even Sun.

The only thing which gives me happiness is to love, I just wish to do two things First is to bring up kids so many of them and Second is to watch my girl sleeping with sun dimming from her glow . Now this seems very simple, if I take out my fears regarding the companionship after completely strange past relationships. Also, the ones my soul approves are the one I can’t have. Either GOD has given them a better match than I am or I just can’t have for the disaster I m. Thank you Almighty for making me unique:). Also the wish to adopt has made me more unwanted. Our law doesn’t provide girl child to single man for adoption. With very few like minded around me, my match is getting rare. Above all, I am looking for an equally crazy person I am Someone who is beyond the matrimonial definition of most of the girls- tall, fair, slim, homely, convent educated, earning in six figures…

The add-ons to my sufferings are the dissolving of the close people around me to non existence. Past six months I have seen more deaths than I could have ever imagined. Death to me is like a foot print in a muddy ground, a hollow ‘marked’ space. The recent death of Sir Anil (I loved calling him Acche sirji) at so young age left another foot print on the mud ground which is getting big with every departure. I miss you Acche Sir.I wish I could do something to save you. The only future which all of us can predict – DEATH has never been so close to me as it is today. It is dark, mighty, painful, everywhere, unavoidable and also the saviour. Death is the only cocktail which is a new revealing with every sip.

Below are the views in the form of a poem from Rumi , a poet from balkh (This is translated by Coleman barks)..

On the day I die

On the day I die, when I am being carried
toward the grave, don’t weep. Don’t say,

He’s gone ! He is gone. Death has nothing
to do with going away. The sun sets and

the moon sets, but they are not gone.
Death is a coming together. The tomb

looks like a prison, but it’s really a
release into union. The human seed goes

down in the ground like a bucket into
the well where Joseph is. It grows and

comes up full of some unimagined beauty.
Your mouth closes here and immediately

opens with a shout of joy there…

My only reaction to it is a line from an Indian poet ‘ Galib’ whose reaction towards Heaven was ” Dil behlaanay kay liye, Galib yeh khayal acha hai”